Thursday, July 9, 2009
Chapter 9. Emotions


We stayed like this – in silence, for the entire ride home. Edward knew something was bothering me, but he did not question me. He knew I would let him know when I was ready. It was one of the things that made me loved him so much. He never pries; he would give me time and space to myself while I sort things out.

I sat and stoned at the couch when we reached home. The sky was getting darker as the sun slowly set. Nessie was sleeping upstairs in Edward’s room; and Esme was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Jacob just went for patrol now that Nessie was asleep. The rest was out hunting. Edward gave a small sigh in defeat and went to his piano.

Music filled the whole house as I watched the BCC news channel in silence. They were updating on yesterday’s armed robbery at Port Angeles. The leader and one of his accomplices had managed to give the police the slip whilst the confusion of the shooting. They had taken the loot along with them; and were believed to be hiding somewhere in Seattle, according to a lead given by an eyewitness. The rest of the gang – three of them was arrested. One suffered serious injury (Charlie’s credit) while the other two just had some minor bruises and cuts.

I switched the channel when the news was over. Settling on a channel with a mindless sitcom, I laid back on the couch and rubbed my temples.

“Love, what’s wrong?” In a flash, Edward was by my side. I rested my head on his shoulder while I stared blankly at the ceiling, trying to find words to explain the emotions I was feeling right now.

“Edward, I’m feeling... angry and guilty at the same time. Angry at those crooks who landed Charlie in this state. Look at him! Lying there, looking lifeless. You have any idea how felt just now? I felt so helpless; I can’t do anything to help him!” I almost shouted, as I turned to face a surprisingly calm Edward.

I could hear Esme stop cooking in the kitchen, stunned by my sudden outburst. Now that I was letting everything out of my system, I could really feel the fury in me. It was like a forest fire, spreading throughout me, wild and beyond control. Taking deep breaths, I tried to calm myself as Edward pulled me into his embrace, humming my lullaby.

“I was so mad at them; I hated them so much. I wanted to kill them.” I continued in a small voice, ashamed of having such thoughts.

“Bella, no one could blame you,” Edward said soothingly, “it’s natural to feel this way. Remember the little incident at Port Angeles? Remember how furious I was? I wanted to run those monsters over; for having those foul thoughts in their minds. If you had not been there, they would not live to see the sun the next day.”

He gave me a small smile. I could see the hatred in his golden eyes as he recalled the night at Port Angeles. A second too late I might have been another Rosalie, I thought as I shuddered. That human memory remained livid even after the change.

“But he got what he deserved in the end. Although it was not the ideal one that I had in mind, I was satisfied. And you were safe again. It was all that it matters.” Edward pulled me in and gave me a kiss.

Immediately, I felt better. Edward always had his way with his words. He always knew what to do too. We broke apart a minute later, when a sleepy Nessie came down the stairs, rubbing her eyes.

“Momma, what’s wrong? Is Grandpa okay?” asked Nessie, as she climbed onto the couch next to us. I could hear Esme continued with her cooking in the kitchen; Nessie was up and Esme knew my little outburst was over.

“Grandpa is going to be alright. We will be bringing you to visit him soon. He’s been asking for you.” I answered as I tucked a lock of her curly brown hair behind her ear.

Just then, Jacob appeared at the front door. He looked totally drained out from all the patrolling; his eyes were red with tiredness and his eye bags were huge. It was as if he had not been sleeping for days. Jacob murmured a “hi” under his breath and plodded down on the nearest armchair. He was out cold in a minute. I got up and went upstairs to get a quilt for him. I lingered in the room or a minute or so; trying to clear my head.

When I got back down, the whole family was back. Emmett was watching a football game on TV with Jasper; Rosalie was studying her nails intently at the couch, uninterested in the game. Edward was playing the piano with Nessie at his side, watching fascinatingly; and Alice was changing the flowers in the vases as she hummed along to Edward’s song.

I draped the quilt over Jacob, who was now slumped in the chair. His head was now drooping over the armrest; snoring with his mouth wide open.

I let out a tiny sigh that I knew only I could hear. I was ashamed of myself. How could I even entertain the thoughts of killing those crooks? That would have risk the existence of our kind; and not to mention the chance it gave to Volturi to come destroy us again.

Jasper tilted his head in my direction. He must be feeling the torment I was going through right now. Edward stopped playing and looked at me in concern. I gave him a small smile to reassure him before looking away. Nessie must have nudged him then; Edward had continued playing the slow melody.

Glad for the distraction, I went to the kitchen to help Esme. I needed to do things to occupy my thoughts. It’s going to be a long night.


***

4:38 PM